TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely outside of area. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have A further location where by American Adult men can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Everybody a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the task, replied, "You realize, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed Trump Tower Damascus by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from space, a function being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors might ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "the place's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting awareness from international buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where my PTSD may have switch-down support."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Views through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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